In this section I’ll review some of the better and NOT so better zombie movies, as well as other horror movies.
Zombieland
Where do I begin? Do I start with the brutal effects, the zombies (fast ones), the biting humor or the fantastic music? Zombieland kicks ass on so many levels that it’s kind of hard to pick a place to start. Woody Harrelson plays an over-the-top loner who delivers, what I’m sure will be, some of the greatest all-time catchphrases in zombie movie history. There’s a special guest and all I can tell you is that his initials are BM, and he’s involved in one of my favorite parts of the movie. The thing that sucks is I can’t go into detail because I’ll ruin it for you. What I can tell you is this…Zombieland is most likely going to end up being my favorite zombie movie of all time. Even over the Romero ones, and for me, that’s saying something.
I give Zombieland 5 stars out of 5 stars.
The only other thing I can think of to say is “That’ll do pig”
Songs I remember from the movie…
Metallica/For Whom the Bell Tolls
Van Halen/Everybody Wants Some
Willie Nelson/Blue Eyes Cryin’ in the Rain
Raconteurs / Salute Your Solution
Blue Oyster Cult/Don’t Fear the Reaper
Hank Williams (Sr.)/I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry
The Uninvited
You know, this movie wasn’t that bad at all. The plot was good, the acting was good and there was quite an unexpected twist at the end. One of those Sixth Sense kind of twists. The story is about two sisters and their father pulling it together after a tragic accident that killed their mother/wife. Of course the mother’s nurse is immediately suspect because right after the death, her and the father set up house together, and the girls begin to think that their mother’s death wasn’t an accident after all. In a few places I was all on edge and repeatedly saying “oh my God” because nothing is creepier than being haunted by your burned up mother who insists on visiting you in your bedroom at night with some cryptic message.
Out of 5 stars, I give The Uninvited a 4.
Quarantine
I’ve been eagerly awaiting the release of this dvd. I live in a smaller town, and the theater here doesn’t get a wide variety of films, most CERTAINLY not horror, so I was not able to see this movie when it was playing in theaters. So since today was the release date, after class I planned on grabbing up the movie at the local video store. But, as luck would have it, Jessica had already picked it up and was waiting for me when I got home.
The plot: A reporter (Exorcism of Emily Rose, also plays Deb on Showtime’s Dexter) is doing a story on firemen, so she is invited (along with her cameraman) to trail behind some local fireman as they go about their business in and out of the station. Everything goes well until they’re called out on a rescue run, to help an old lady in distress. As horrifying events, in the form of zombies, unfold in the building, they discover they’ve been quarantined inside. The fight for survival is on.
Scare factor: For some reason, this movie scared the bejeebus out of me. It had a lot of tense moments, where I was on the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen next. Some movies have you yelling at the people on the screen, during this movie all I could manage was different ways to say “OH SHIT!” My daughter laughed at me because I actually jumped and gasped at a few parts.
Special Effects: The special effects in this movie were mostly subtle, but very effective. Don’t get me wrong, there is blood, bites and such. It’s just not the over the top stuff we’ve been seeing in movies lately. Of course this made the few gory parts in the movie stand out even more (guy with the broken leg). Great makeup!
Acting: I thought the acting in this movie was good. The lady playing the reporter seemed like a real reporter. The firemen made believable firemen. And so on and so forth. Outstanding job for everyone.
Minuses: My only complaints about the movie are…
1.The use of hand held cameras, which are used throughout the entire movie.
2.At times the film is so dark it’s hard to tell what’s going on. Since this wasn’t constant it only amounted to a small irritant, but an irritant none the less.
I thoroughly enjoyed this film. If not for the two things mentioned above, I’d give it 5 out of 5 stars. As it is,though, I’m giving it a
4 1/2 out of 5 stars.
Left 4 Dead-A Somewhat game review/testimonial
Dear God, if you ever wanted to know what it would be like to be in a zombie holocaust, get this game. You might also want to pick up a case of depends/diapers…tell them Valve sent you.
What you have are several campaigns where 4 people are attempting to make it to safety during a zombie attack. In real-time. With FAST zombies. You know how I used to bitch and moan in my movie reviews about fast zombies? How I used to say that fast zombies weren’t scary? Forget that. When you’re being surrounded by a good 20-30 0f them at the same time, you will scream your head off and then shit yourself. Ahem…
You have the option for single player, or multi-player/online play. I watched Tess go online to play it with others. She sat calmly, with her little headphones on, alternating between listening and barking out orders to her team mates. And, again, CALMLY blowing the living crap out of anything that came near her. She was on my Alienware laptop and the servers were so busy that IT even lagged a few times, but it seemed to do better when she found a local server to play it on. Oh yeah, and let me just say, if there ever is a zombie holocaust, I want Tess on my side.
I give Left 4 Dead 5 stars out of 5.
Diary of the Dead
You know, you spend x-amount of hours torturing yourself, watching low-budget, excruciatingly boring zombie movies, just waiting for that one that will kick your ass. Diary of the Dead is that movie.
I know some people have given it not so good reviews, but I’m not going to be one of them. This review is about my opinion and my opinion is this…
It scared me in the appropriate places, the zombies didn’t all look the same AND they were creepy, the characters were, for the most part, pretty good and the story line, as always, was about survival and trying to make it home. Of course, with any Romero zombie movie, there is the meaning behind the movie. This one seems to be about technology, and basically how the internet has become a major news source in the face of a media that is no longer impartial and is full of bias. The other message I got was how dependent we have become on technology.
There are a few amusing parts. The zombie clown, the “see, I told you dead people are slow” part, and the scene accompanies that statement. I loved the Amish character.
Throughout the movie I alternated between being tense, giggling, talking to the screen and being scared shitless. The movie thoroughly entertained me, which is why I’m giving Diary of the Dead
5 out of 5 stars. Good job George!
P.S. Stick with the indie production companies.
FIDO
I loved this movie. The setting was perfect, the acting was superb, the music was wonderful, and the plot was original. In fact, I can’t think of one bad thing to say about this movie.
The setting is in a small town, after the zombie wars. A company has figured out a way to get the zombies to behave by using a collar. When the red light on the collar is on, that means that the collar is working properly. But when it’s off, well, messy things happen.
Timmy’s zombie, Fido, has become much more than just a zombie to him. It’s his friend. A friendship which is put to the test when Fido’s collar goes on the blink. How far would you be willing to go for friendship?
I highly recommend this movie. It’s funny, sad and in a few places creepy, as well as gory. With a few Lassie jokes thrown in for good measure (“Is Timmy in trouble boy?”).
The language isn’t bad, there’s no nudity, with just a hint of sexuality in a few places. I think the R rating is for the gore and violence, which is still kept at a minimum. At least for a zombie movie, that is. The trailers and commercials for the movie don’t do it justice, again, I highly recommend this movie.
I give Fido 5 out of 5 stars.
Dead Meat
What do zombie cows, mad cow disease, human zombies, sucky makeup, bad acting and gory effects have in common? This movie.
I give it 2 stars out of 5 (for a few good gory scenes).
As a little comment here, at the end of my shortest movie review,…I SO would have whipped up a cow costume and waltzed past the zombies and the zombie cows.
UPDATE: Okay, I feel bad for giving such a short review, so let me add a few more comments.
The first killing in the movie had the two characters hitting a man with their car. The guy went air born and then landed all mangled in front of the car. The only words the driver could muster were, “gross”. I mean, come on, I can think of a lot more words besides that. Words that I can’t talk about right now because I have sworn off of swearing for the New Year.
Another scene has a woman poking a vacuum cleaner hose in one zombie’s eye and then sucking it’s brains out. Not only is that just plain stupid, but I want that vacuum cleaner. Mine barely picks up anything.
There was one character that I liked a lot. He was either intentionally, or unintentionally made to be just like Hunter S. Thompson. However I didn’t like him enough for me to ever watch this movie again.
In closing I would like to say that the only screaming that took place during this movie was my brain cells committing suicide while I watched it.
Dead Men Walking
Yes, it’s time for another zombie movie review. And it probably won’t be the last, considering I ordered a ton of them off of Amazon. My next movie review will be on a movie called “Special Dead“, in what is probably the most UNpolitically correct movie I’ve ever seen. It’s a lovely tale about zombies that set upon a summer camp for the mentally and physically handicapped. But today’s review is on…Dead Men Walking.
GORE…lots of gore. Some bad acting, some good acting. Some good ideas, some bad. Some good zombies, some bad. Dead Men Walking treads a fine line between cheesy and good. For the most part I liked it. The zombies were of the fast variety. The gore was good and disgusting, even for me, a long-time zombie fan. Remember the part in the original Dawn of the Dead (DOTD), when the lady in the tenement building gets bitten by her husband? This gore is worse. Remember in the original DOTD when the zombies rip the biker open and eat his intestines? This gore is worse. In fact, on some parts I almost had to turn away…almost.
The premise of the movie is that someone who’s been infected with a biological agent has been placed into a maximum-security prison.
There is some not-so-brief nudity, in a sex scene (yes, they fit one in). And there is of course bad language. Because it goes without saying, when you see a zombie, first you swear THEN you run your happy ass in the opposite direction.
Anyway, I give Dead Men Walking 3 and ½ stars out of 5.
Special Dead
It takes a special kind of person to make a movie about zombies attacking a summer camp for the mentally challenged. And a person that would enjoy such a movie would have to be pretty special indeed. Well, aren’t I special?
During the first parts of the movie I alternated between fits of giggling and covering my mouth from shame. No stereotype is left untouched. From the poor man with Tourettes Syndrome to the gangster/thug who mistakenly got sent there instead of boot camp. There are RIDICULOUS drawn out sex scenes. RIDICULOUS drawn out kill scenes. On top of all of this you get extreme rednecks, sex crazed camp counselors, and one guy who apparently thinks he’s Bruce Lee. Also, Firefly fans will notice a certain hat on one of the campers. There’s something for everybody. Think Scary Movie with zombies…only uhhh…more low budget.
I will say that towards the end the extended kill scenes do get a little bit old, but all in all it was a pretty good/funny movie. I give Special Dead 4 stars out of 5.
Let Sleeping Corpses Lie
I know I’m probably going to get blasted for this review by hardcore zombie fans, but I have to tell it like I see it. I didn’t really care for this movie. Although it was better, in some ways (not so low budget), than the movie I just gave a review on (Dead Meat), it wasn’t too much better.
I mean, the fact that I just watched it two days ago and I don’t remember too much detail on the zombies OR gore, well, that’s just wrong.
The plot should have been halfway decent, but the way it played out in the movie was awful. The acting sucked. Some actors were way over the top, others were barely there. The police in the film made the keystone cops look like pure geniuses. The zombies (makeup so/so) were smarter than all of them put together. And for some reason, at the very beginning, as a man is driving down the street, a woman feels led to disrobe and run naked across the street. It had nothing to do with the plot, it didn’t even take place in the city where the zombies were, so she wasn’t crazed. Just a couple of seconds of full nudity and then the guy kept driving down the street. WTH?? This movie is just plain stupid and boring and, well, awful. I think the title fits it perfectly, or maybe they should have named it Let Sucky Movies Lie. I give Let Sleeping Corpses Lie a 1 out of 5 stars.
I Am Legend
I’ve been looking forward to seeing this movie for close to a year, and I must say, it was worth the wait. Now keep in mind that I purposely didn’t read the book, so that I could be totally unbiased while watching it. For the people that have read the book, I’m not sure if this review will help you or not, since you have something to compare the movie to. But I will try and give my take on it, without giving anything away.
Wil Smith did an outstanding job in this movie. When I heard that he was cast as the lead part, I was kind of worried that he would be able to pull off the seriousness that this role seemed to call for. I think he did a wonderful job. What funny lines there were in the movie, he delivered perfectly, without going over the top. The parts where he seems to be losing it from years of being alone, are effective.
Sam, his canine sidekick, was awesome and should win some kind of doggie award.
The fear factor in some parts of the movie made me hold my breath, and wish that the scene were over with. I haven’t done that for a long time while watching a movie. However, those going to see it wishing for a horror/gore fest will be disappointed, although there are those moments in the movie, the majority of the movie deals with the psychological aspect of being the only one left alive.
A few things I would have liked to see was maybe better character development. They didn’t spend nearly as much time as they should letting you know what the character was about, and why you should care about him. It seemed like they spent a lot of time developing the dog’s character. Therefore you bonded with the dog more than the human. If this was intentional, since this was Smith’s only companion, then it was effective. Although I still think it would have been better had they developed both.
And I DO wish they had spent more time showing how the virus spread and the immediate impact it had on humanity (quarantines etc.). The parts they did show were fascinating.
I will give you two warnings before I rate the movie. One, bring a box of Kleenex…my daughters (16 and 20) cried a lot. And two, it is a DARK movie, you will not leave the theatre skipping and smiling. But you will be thinking.
All in all I give I am Legend a 4 and 1/2 out of 5 stars. It was a good story, and it entertained me.
Flight of the Living Dead
Everyone please remain calm, but prepare yourself for the announcement I’m about to make. Are you ready? Are you calm? Are you sure? Okay!
Flight of the Living Dead KICKS ASS! I can’t believe it. I rented it one night and bought it the next night. That’s how much I liked it. FINALLY a zombie movie that has a half way decent plot and where no one decides to let their hormones get in the way of their brain cells when they’re in danger. It’s almost like a perfect zombie movie. Well…there are a few small things that irritated me. Trivial really. But I have to mention them.
1. I hate fast zombies. Fast zombies are only scary if they’re real and they’re zooming around your yard. In the movies zombies should be SLOW so that we can admire the makeup that it took your people forever to do…unless of course your makeup people just slapped together a sloppy makeup job and you’re trying to compensate by keeping the camera off of them as much as possible. COME ON people, zombies are the real stars of zombie movies. This isn’t Terms of Endearment; as long as the acting is semi-believable no one gives a crap about the actors. We want bloody, gory zombies, with brains and eyeballs popping out.
2. Zombies don’t sound like mountain lions. I mean it would probably be effective if they did in real life. If a zombie came at me and let out a mountain lion wail, I’d still be in the middle of saying “what the…?” and it’d be on me. But seriously, only undead moans for zombies please.
But having said all of that, I LOVE this movie. I love the plot.
Imagine that you’re on a flight to Paris and your plane hits a bit of turbulence. Not bad, you think to yourself. Oh yeah? Well, no ones told you about the “special cargo” the plane is carrying. And no one has told you that there seems to be a problem with the special cargo after the turbulence. A problem that becomes apparent when the cargo starts munching on the passengers, infecting them. And where the hell do you go when there’s a zombie outbreak on a plane?? Oh, and then there’s the part where no one wants you to land at their airport because they know about your special cargo.
Good times…good times.
The acting isn’t too bad, and I really like the Truman and Frank characters. Frank cracks me up. You’ll see what I mean when you watch it. And you WILL watch it. Why? Because I’m giving it a 4 and stars out of 5, that’s why.
DEAD AND DEADER
I avoided renting this movie for a long time due to it not being rated. When a movie is unrated it can mean all kinds of nasty things that I’d rather not get in to, let alone watch. But since there is now a shortage of zombie movies that I haven’t seen at the ol’ video store, I broke down and got it. I’m glad I did. It says it’s a zomedy. Part zombie horror and part comedy. Normally I steer away from these kinds of movies as well because, well, if you think there are some horrible, low budget horror flicks out there, just wait until they mix in really corny humor with it. Yeah. HOWEVER this movie was really not that bad at all. There was the appropriate amount of gore, mixed with sarcasm and biting humor (heh…pun unintentional but funny). The makeup was done well, with special attention paid to the main zombies. The acting was not too over the top and somewhat believable in parts. It’s kind of like (and they say this during the bonus features, but it’s true) a horror 48 Hours. I’m not discussing the plot, because it’s all been done before. Military guys come back DOA from a mission overseas and then don’t stay DOA. Fun ensues. Sorry guys, no boob shots, which was refreshing for us females in the house. And ditto on sex scenes (who the hell thinks about sex at a time like that anyway??). However there are head explosions, finger biting, a meat grinder scene, plenty of guts, and a scene with a midget that will make all the guys in the room wince. It’s not Steel Magnolias but it is a lot funner.
I give Dead and Deader a 3 and ½ star rating out of 5.
Reincarnation (one of the 8 films to die for/Afterdark horror fest)
Reincarnation is a creepy movie. In fact I can’t remember when I’ve been so creeped out by a movie. Oh wait, yes I can, it was The Grudge, which the people who made this film are associated with.
The story is about a man making a movie about some murders that happened in a hotel. When he decides to take the cast and crew to the hotel to do some work, things start to get creepy. And uhhhh some killing. The girl cast to play one of the main roles in the movie begins to see things. Scary things, ghost-like/zombie things and a ugly looking doll. I smugly thought I knew what was going on until the last 15 minutes or so and then I realized, with horror, what was going to happen. Scary, scary, damn it…it was scary. But that’s all you’re getting from me. You have to see it to find out what happens.
When I first put the dvd in I was a little disappointed that it had subtitles (Japanese film), but after the first 15 minutes or so you won’t even notice. With a minimum use of gore and LOTS of creepy/scary stuff, Reincarnation will probably go down as one of my favorite films. In fact towards the end of the movie I was so tense I pulled my legs up on the chair and began trying to direct the girl on the screen on what to do.
The bottom line is, if you like older horror movies that use scares instead of gore to creep you out, you’ll love this movie. If not, then you might want to pass.
I give it 5 out of 5 stars
The Dead Next Door
I actually purchased this movie instead of renting it. Now I had remembered reading somewhere about it, I just couldn’t remember if it was supposed to be good or not. BUT I had this impression it was a campy, low budget, so-bad-it-was-good kind of movie.
I was not disappointed. First the good parts.
The gore was excellent on some parts and pretty disgusting. There was a few times I was sitting there left wondering, “How the hell did they do that?” There is a scene in the last ten minutes or so where a man gets his face ripped apart and I swear it looked real. So the gore is the real star of this movie, with the zombies taking second place…the actors are somewhere back with the key grips. Which brings us to the bad parts, or should I say the so-bad-it-was-good parts.
The acting just plain sucked, there’s no getting around it. I’ve seen better character acting in the first Resident Evil game. Yeah, it was that bad. And there was this one character always stating the obvious…just in case we were too stupid to figure out what was going on. For example…the man is hanging on to a ledge peeping in the window of the local church and notices men in robes chanting over a girl that’s tied up, whom they stab and feed to the zombies. The man hops down and says dramatically, “It’s a cult!” Which made me burst into laughter and have the giggles for about five minutes. THEN just when I had recovered from that, the man gets into the car with his partner and says, “It’s a DAMN CULT!” And I was laughing for another five minute, well, due to that and the fact that as they were talking a zombie is seen hanging off the car. It’s just too funny and I can’t describe it properly.
Now to the plot…
A doctor has somehow caused the dead to come back to life and a whack job reverend thinks the zombies are God’s judgment upon the world. So he’s containing them in the local church and feeding them with anyone who crosses his path. Now fast forward a bit and special “Zombie Squads” have been created to take care of the pesky undead. Yeah. What follows is some crazy moments, bad acting, which I found amusing, and alternating realistic gore with cheap/cheesy gore. Maybe they fired the real makeup guy in the middle of making it or something?? Anyway, if you’re a zombie fan you should rent this or buy it. Why, because it’s entertaining. But don’t eat while you’re watching it. I give the Dead Next Door a 3 out of 5 stars.
The Plague
Clive Barker
I had high hopes for this movie. Not only did it look like a sort of zombie movie, but it also had Clive Barker’s name on it. I used to read Clive Barker all of the time when I was younger and thought his books were pretty good, so when I picked up this movie at the video store I thought I was going to be scared witless. Well, I was wrong.
The plot was an excellent take on the zombie theme. All the children in the world suddenly go into a coma and ten years later they just as suddenly come out of the coma in a very ticked off mood and start murdering any adult in sight. And yes, they look like zombies, in a cheap makeup kit sort of way.
There are a few good scares, and unfortunately the character I liked the most ended up biting the dust mid-picture. But the movie had everything going for it and then it went to hell in a handbasket. We never find out what happened, although they do try to explain it in a cryptic sort of way. And in the end when everything is supposed to be crystal clear, you’re even more confused than you were. Most of the confusion stems from switching the cause of the plague from something biological to something mystical and everything gets lost in the translation.
The movie is rated R for some language, horror violence and gore (insert jerking motion here). There is no nudity or sexual situations, which is refreshing. However I’m still a bit disappointed, and it’s definitely not what I expected.
I give The Plague 2 stars out of 5.
Severed
I saw the box for this film at the local movie store and I smiled. It looked like a zombie flick to me! I read the back and I was immediately filled with hope. The same feeling I get whenever I see an advertisement for a new zombie movie. Hope for new adventures and the unspeakable horrors that could possibly be awaiting me. Usually, I’ve barely opened my Milkduds when my hopes are dashed. Sometimes I wonder why I still try. Oh wait, yes I do! Because sometimes you can find one that totally kicks ass… or is at least half-way decent, like Severed.
Severed begins with some forgettable music while it flashes scenes of loggers and protesters. Right away I know that I want the zombies to eat the protesters. In horrible, despicable ways. It gets even better when some of the protesters chain themselves to trees. Excellent! Zombie fast foods! I was just beginning to enjoy myself, waiting for that initial attack when…it got boring. And then it got exciting again. Then it got boring. I was starting to see a pattern develop. Another thing that was irritating was how they moved the camera all over the place whenever something exciting happened. The main attraction to any zombie movie is of course the zombies and the makeup jobs! It takes real crappy camera work to make them boring. There was even a scene where zombies were happily feasting on intestinal looking stuff and I was drumming my fingers against the arm of my chair. The only other thing that was irritating was a few over-the-top characters.
Now for the good comments.
The plot isn’t too bad. The acting isn’t too bad. And once the camera man figures out it’s not a school project and steadies the camera, the scenes get more intense. I actually jumped at one part. And the best thing of all is protesters get munched on. Oh yeah! Some are still chained to a tree!! It was brilliant.
Out of 5 stars I would give it a 3 or 3 ½.
Song of the Dead
A Zombie Musical
Let me just get the ol’ swear jar out and empty my purse into it. Mark it down, ladies and gentlemen, today is the day I break my New Years resolution in a big way.
Song of the Dead is the worst piece of shit movie I’ve seen in a long time. And remember, I’ve viewed some pretty piece of shit zombie movies lately.
I honestly don’t have one nice thing to say about it. The acting sucked, the makeup and effects were so/so and, holy shit, the singing was the only thing scary about it. It was obvious within the first five minutes that they were trying to make a cult classic like the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Heh…dream on guys. They forgot that the RHPS was made a cult classic by the gay community and no self respecting gay or lesbian would be caught dead (no pun intended) going to see this sorry excuse for a movie. In fact, I’m betting you couldn’t get a gay person within 50 feet of a theatre showing this movie, even if it was called Broke Back Zombie or Gay Zombies From Outer space (optional title “Being Dead Blows”). Hell, at least it might have been slightly entertaining then. Sadly though, the only thing that sucked in this movie, is well, this movie.
Here’s another tip for them…if you’re going to make a musical, first you should make sure that the people acting in it can actually sing. My cockatiel, Sonny, seemed to be the only living thing within earshot that appreciated the screechy bullshit they passed off for singing.
It also helps if the people acting in it can actually act. And we won’t even get into the dancing.
So for this movie I’m going to suggest the same thing that I did when I reviewed the Judas Priest album, Angel of Retribution… put it in a brown paper bag, light it, and then leave it on someone’s porch.
I give Song of the Dead ½ a star out of 5.
